When am I going to "let" him sleep in his crib? When am I going to finish this paper? When am I going to move? When am I going to have sex with my husband? When is he going to want it when I am not in the middle of doing some fucking miserable chore or another?
Does being a doctoral student mean repeatedly handing in work without getting any feedback, or any response at all? Do anyone's babies entertain themselves for any length of time during the day? Does tummy time suck that bad? Why? Do I look like I need another person in my face?
Why do people think I have time to chat on the phone? Why do people think that I ever wanted to? Why would I rather answer a hundred text messages than return one phone call? Why am I typing up all of these questions instead of taking a shower?
What is that noise? What is that smell? What do I need from the grocery story? What is that thing called? What's her name? What's my name? What's it all mean?
Who is this tired person in the mirror? Who is this sarcastic bitch? Who stole my sports car and replaced it with a sedan? Who can carry one of those baby carriers around without mortgaging her second child to a chiropractor?
Should I just quit? Shouldn't this be impossible? Should I have said that? Should I have eaten that? Shouldn't someone rub my shoulders?
How am I going to finish all of this shit I have to get done? How am I going to paint a nursery if Baby Apollo doesn't want to be put down? How is my husband going to build a bathroom and a laundry closet if he works all day long? How DO you entertain a five month old? How can I get more sleep, look better naked, simplify my life, take a vacation? How am I ever going to feel like myself again?
And how, how the fuck will not nursing my baby anymore make it easier to answer any of these questions?
Sleep deprivation + tired brain= nothing but questions...
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